Grow Your Prostate on Substack!
Proven Hacks to maximize engagement with your ex-gland!
[Author’s note: The running joke is that about half of the notes and articles on Substack are about how to grow your Substack, and the other two-thirds are people complaining about them. I decided to join the fun, and I looped in my prostate to give a nod to some of the many good people on my Reads list.]
What’s all this, then?
Maybe you’re like I was: Wandering the Internet in a post-cancerous stupor looking for ways to make my writing rise above the teeming, filthy crowds of the prostate-less. But how do you actually do it? They say that cream rises to the top, but you don’t make that stuff anymore.
“But dude,” you ask me, “how can my prostate stand out on Substack when it’s sitting in a petri dish in a freezer in a lab in Ann Arbor, Michigan?
The simple answer is: You GROW your prostate on Substack!
I know what you’re thinking: “Anthony, that’s biologically impossible!”
Brother, I’m with you. Listen: My prostate bailed on me when I needed it the least. It started hanging out with a non-extracapsular tumor. It cranked out specific antigen like PSA had just been legalized. It peer-pressured my bladder into constantly needing to pee. My bladder! They had been so close for so long. It was like I didn’t know my man-part anymore.
And when my prostate ran off with the surgery robot, that was the end. I was permanently de-prostated.
I found myself on Substack. I learned its unwritten rules. I spoke its unspoken jokes. I commiserated with its uncommiserated commiserees.
And then I felt it. A tingling in my hypogastric region. Something was cooking. YES! I was growing my prostate on Substack! But I was still adrift in an online universe.
Gentlemen, I’ll be honest with you: the Prostate Internet is a cutthroat world, full of men telling their stories with a focus on warm humor or carefully collected information, lifting each other up in a supportive community so they know they’re not alone. Oh, it’s enough to make me hurl.
And don’t get me started on those mythbusting oncologists, peddling their experience and wisdom, offering knowledge and reflection, backed up by a lifetime of scientific expertise and patient care. Feh. And the Caregivers are out to get you, too. When you least expect it, they amplify your voice and welcome you into a community. And the frosting on the cake? Strong writers who share their stories of mastering life in a way that makes you feel good. Ugh, I really am gonna hurl.
It’s a nightmare. But I have a better way. A subscription-model way.
Okay Anthony, what are you selling..?
Yes, it’s sadly true: the Prostate Internet is full of snake-oil salespersons promising kwik-fixes and magick-hacks. But my system is not hack-y! It’s a comprehensive, fate-mastering, easy-to-pitch Lifestyle Journey, one that will fill the void in your lower abdominal cavity.
“But,” you ask, “shouldn’t we just forget all that and simply write about our prostate cancer experiences, and share our stories? After all, the point is to process what happened to us and maybe help other men going through the same thing, right?”
If you’re a fool, sure.
Tough talk, I know. But that’s what I do.
Think about all the things cancer took away from you. You MUST brood on them. You NEED to stay isolated and miserable, because that’s how you MONETIZE. It’s time for cancer to start helping out with the bills, amirite? But you can’t make it do that until you take the right Life Journey.
For just $1097.42 per month you can subscribe to my patented-pending
PROSTA-STACK Life Journey, and unlock the potential of growing your prostate on Substack!
Expensive? Sure. But do you want to grow your prostate on Substack or not? No pain, no gain. You get what you pay for.
But first, let’s bust some myths!
Myth 1: Just don’t get prostate cancer!
Oh, sure, if you never get prostate cancer, then you never have to enter the hoary netherworld of the Prostate Internet. But if you don’t get prostate cancer, then you’ll never grow your prostate on Substack!
Can you live with that? O no, my Precious, you cannot.
But if you insist, or if my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey just isn’t for you, then check out my other patented-pending training program, the
DON’T GET CANCER IN THE FIRST PLACE Life Voyage.
For just $1707.50/month I’ll walk you through these four not-hack hacks so you can:
Avoid environmental toxins starting before you’re a zygote!
Spend your life not experiencing and bottling up the rage, guilt, and shame that eats away your natural immunity over long years!
Go through every cell in your body to remove that key cancer genome—and bonus, lose weight at the same time! Sure, one AGCT sequence might feel light in your hand, but those nucleotides add up to FAT YOU CAN SHREDD!
Work your core for muscular health.
Myth 2: You can’t monetize prostate cancer!
I know what you’re thinking: “Anthony, no one will pay to read your crappy Substack! I sure won’t!” Well that may be true, but ha ha, joke’s on you, haters! If something does happen, it can happen. And if you wait and work long enough, stuff happens. Just don’t jynx it by activating Substack’s “Pledges.” Be a purist. Do the work. Go on the Life Journey.
Cancer-driven lifestyle change? How ‘bout some pocket change? CHA-CHING! $$$
Myth 3: For best results, investigate the decades of reliable medical science supporting prostate cancer treatment and recovery, or, failing that, find some too-good-to-be-true miracle cures!
My goodness, “science.” Talk about a fool’s errand. Science takes time, even when it’s replicable and life-saving. You’re a busy dude: you don’t have time for that nonsense! You also don’t have time to go looking for cheap, fast, and easy cures that Facebook told you Big Prostate is hiding.
ctDNA, active surveillance, clinical trials, horse tranquilizers, toxic vitamin-D doses—where does it end?! For busy prostate cancer survivors, it can be hard to know. Who has time? Life is short. Shortcuts are shorter.
With my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey, you can forget about all that established science and that home-cure malarkey, and focus on what matters: growing your prostate on Substack!
Enough talk! Let’s get to it!
Grow Your Prostate the PROSTA-STACK Life Journey Way
Right now I’m sharing with you some of my PROVEN not-hack hacks to grow your prostate on Substack. And I know what you’re thinking: “Anthony, why should I pay for a monthly subscription to your patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey when you’re giving it away here for free ?
Because, friend, what you’re getting here is a list of just some of the PROSTA-STACK Life Journey TASKS. Subscribers learn the skills and and secret not-hack hacks to do ALL the TASKS to REACH the GOAL. And what is the goal? To grow your prostate on Substack! Just like I do every day. Every. Day.
So here are the TOP SIX not-hack hacks. Here we go!
Hack 6: Reveal the TRUTH about Your Oncologist
DID YOU KNOW: At night, when everyone else goes home, your oncology team sneaks into the surgical theater, converts the prostatectomy robots into motorcycles, and races them through the halls? Yes, by day, your surgeon pilots the robot through your body doing nerve-spares. But at night, well, YOU pay for the whole seat, but THEY only use the edge.
AND DID YOU KNOW: Every other Friday your oncologist steals a plane and flies to Hobbs, New Mexico to party down with all the other cancer doctors? And you thought the waitlist was due to bureaucracy at BCBS or NIH? NOT!
Oh, but there’s so much more! When you subscribe to my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey, what you learn will blow your mind, and get you in POSITION to grow your prostate on Substack by spreading the shocking truth about your Cancer Care Team. And the world deserves to know—don’t you think?
Hack 5: FIGHT the Urology-Industrial Complex
Are catheters really fun and convenient? Do you really need rehab for your boners? Or is something else going on..?
Big Pee has SECRETS they don’t want you to know. Subscribers to my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey will learn these Secrets and how to exploit them to TAKE CONTROL of what the urologists DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW so that you can grow your prostate on Substack!
Hack 4: Harness the power of VULGARITY
What triggered that growth in my hypogastric man-area? One simple word. One simple word repeated over and over in my Substack writings:
Yeah, that’s right, I said it. A lot. My writing features thousands of curse words, hundreds of crass anatomical references, and things I wouldn’t dare say in front of my dear old Aunt Barbara. In fact, my wife says she’ll divorce me if I get too detailed about post-prostatectomy sexual rehabilitation.
Sure, I’ll lose the love of my life, but I will grow my prostate on Substack! Sorry sweetie, that’s a trade I can live with!
Hack 3: Be mean and petty to other men in the prostate cancer community, especially if they are from different countries
Write like the arsehole you are. This is the Prostate Internet, my “friend.” The old rules don’t apply. Remember, only numbnut losers get prostate cancer, and you gotta tell them that. Pretend to make friends, then cry havoc! and let slip the dogs of war. Subscribers to my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey will get advanced not-hack hacks to take malice to the next level, but I’ll give you one free example.
Let me introduce you to Mr. Mark Stevenson, the first fellow I lured into being my cancer buddy. A happy, gentle soul making a graceful recovery from cancer. A role model, some might say. I shall now mock him for being British. Since he is from the United Kingdom, we can’t say he had “prostate cancer” like a regular ‘Murican. We have to say he had “Ye Olde Prostate Cancoeur.”
Ooh, I felt something. You know what that was? That was me growing my prostate on Substack! I grew it more with this image of Britain According to the American Mind.1
Hack 2: Data are everything
When in doubt, whip it out — ha ha, I’m talking about data, fellas. In-for-may-shun. Numbers matter. Numbers drive clicks. Numbers measure PSA in the parts per billion. Numbers let you freak out over the tenth of a percent of a nanogram of PSA increase: 0.000000000001 g/ml.
Impressive, isn’t it? It’s a decimal, with some letters and a slash behind it. That’s how you know it’s important and precise. That’s how you know it’s got Life Journey Cancer Knowledge. It’s beyond scientific. A new science, if you will.
Here are more data for you. It’s said that anywhere between 15-55% of all men get prostate cancer at some point in their lives. That’s literally a NUMBER of people!
But numbers are just the start. There are also graphs and charts.
Look carefully. Impressive, isn’t it? Do you know what this dramatically increasing chart shows? It’s showing how I grew my prostate on Substack! That’s an exponential increase!
And now, the best, most potent not-hack hack of them all…
Hack 1: Credential Yourself for Maximum Expertise Impactyness
That’s right. I’m speaking as an expert on prostate cancer. You know why? Because I am an expert on prostate cancer. I know about prostate cancer because I know about prostate cancer. Plus, I am a licensed tautologist. Who better to confer expertise on you than your own self?
Subscribers to my PROSTA-STACK Life Journey will learn the not-hack hacks to build an impressive social media Prostate Profile:
A self portrait that combines unearned smugness with a thousand-yard stare.
Meaningless corporate-speak argle-bargle descriptors.
How to call yourself a Thought Leader.
Falsifying follower counts.
Unbounded hubris.
Prep course for tautology licensure exam.
!Y mas!
Don’t believe me? See for yourself:
Oh, I’m credentialed, alright. Trust me.
Friends, DO NOT let one more moment go by without growing your prostate on Substack! Subscribe to my patented-pending PROSTA-STACK Life Journey NOW! DO IT NOW!2
Offer void where prohibited. Payment for PROSTA-STACK Life Journey subscription is due before you ever heard of it. Growth of your prostate on Substack is not guaranteed, warrantied, or manateed. Cannot be combined with any other offers. User indemnifies Anthony Feig in perpetuity. No cash value. PROSTA-STACK Life Journey collects and stuffs your data up its ass. European users: PROSTA-STACK Life Journey collects and stuffs your data up a secure, off-site ass in accordance with applicable laws. Parental consent required.
Too funny. And well done
😆....you have the courage to share where others dare not go my friend! BTW...where do you want me to send my cheque (yes I have spelt that correctly 😉) for $1,097.42?